My 2017 Marathon

For me, 2017 was one of the best and worst years of my life. The start was fairly normal with my work and schooling. January was normal, except for helping my parents move into their nice, new home.

I continued through school, making good and then decent progress. Cafe Zupa's was a good job with lots of fun people I like. My husband and I got a new car so then we wouldn't have to share cars for work, etc. 

At this point I should mention something very hard to admit, but it plays a huge role in how my year went. Since around December 2016 my depression hit a whole new level and I began having suicidal thoughts. There were times when I wanted to do something, anything, even just get out of bed, but my depression weighed on my chest and made it feel like I couldn't even move. 

Yes, I was on antidepressants as well as vitamin supplements. I even had a public complex membership and would go swimming or jogging at least once a week. None of this, however, seemed to be able to counteract the darkness that loomed over me. As I got more frustrated with myself I turned to self harm. It may seem odd to someone without depression how hurting yourself could make you feel better, but when you're desperate to feel anything, it can temporarily make you feel that it's working. Trust me, it doesn't in the long haul.

As to how this ties in, well, when I didn't want to get out of bed, that included going to school or work. I got in trouble at multiple times due to tardiness or not feeling like I could go in at all. Luckily I had a manager who understood mental health and was able to help me make it through months of torment. 

School was not so kind. I missed a day, I'd miss another, I'd be late, I'd miss the first half of the day. All this did make me feel guilty, but I still couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, even my husband. I was ashamed that my depression was controlling my life, and I didn't want to pull anyone else into my misery. 

Unfortunately around May, my husband found out, and was rightfully hurt that I didn't talk to him about it. I didn't have any decent answers to give him, so he stayed upset. I stopped going to school in June, and he took that as an opportunity to tell me what he wanted me to do. Our ideas of me taking a break from school were very different. He assumed I would go full-time with a job if I stopped school. I thought I was taking a break for a month or so and then going back to school. 

Over the next month he'd argue with me about what I needed to do, and repeatedly told me I needed to "change or move out". By the end of July, he told this to me so often, it seemed nothing I did was good enough. So, I moved back in with my parents after exhausting my efforts to make things right, or what I thought was right. I thought that was the end, but we met with our bishop and agreed to try for two months to make things better.

A couple weeks into September, he called me and told me he was tired of this and wanted a divorce. I was shocked, and didn't want to, but he was convinced I couldn't do anything to make up for my absences from school, and so we filed. It broke my heart, but I knew he'd made up his mind, and I wanted it to be over with so I could heal.

Over the next few months it was a game of waiting, until our divorce was finalized on December 29th. I've shed many tears over this, and have had a hard time understanding what I'm supposed to do. I thought I was finally making progress, and it hurt when what I thought was the best thing in my life ended so abruptly.

2017 did end on a happy note, however. My parents saw the need for me to have something to help with my depression beyond medication. When my mother mentioned the possibility of getting me a dog, I couldn't believe my ears. I love animals, and have wanted a dog since I was 6 at least. Turns out God had the same idea, too, and must've inspired my mother to act on it.

One of the teachers at the school my mom teaches at accidentally had her dog get pregnant with a neighbor dog. The mom is a black lab/border collie; dad is a yellow lab. She had 6 puppies the beginning of October. So at the time we were looking to get a dog, my puppy was already born and I didn't know it. 

I fell in love with Sherlock, though at first I wanted one of the black dogs. But there was something about that more tannish yellow lab than his brothers, so he was in my top three choices. I prepared to take in my puppy, and took him home at 9 weeks old.

Turns out he was, and is, perfect for me, too, as he quickly took to me. He always greets me with excitement, and whines when he can't get to me. I'm embracing being a dog mom as I train him and he's definitely crawled into my heart, partially filling that void that was left these past few months.

I'm hoping 2018 will be better. The best thing I can do is turn to strengthening my testimony and spiritual well being. If I do that, I know everything else will fall into place. To sum my outlook on life right now, here's a quote from Lord of the Rings that gets me through hard times:

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.....You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on." - Frodo, Return of the King