⚠Trigger Warning: The following post is all about self harm. I am not a trained professional, these are my own personal thoughts and experiences. If you're thinking of hurting yourself, please reach out to a mental health hotline, or your personal therapist or doctor for help.⚠
Today, March 1st, is Self Harm Awareness Awareness Day. A day dedicated to bringing light to a subject that is usually experienced in the dark. I'm sure those who have never experienced or thought about hurting themselves can't begin to imagine why someone would do it.
So why do people self harm? It's complicated, and there's no straight answer.
As someone who's gone through this, I'll at least address my experience. The most common response I've come up with for myself, and therapists, is that it helps me feel. Or, that it helps overwhelm other feelings that I don't want to feel anymore. Like the feeling that you're all alone, that no one cares, or that you have this monster inside that needs to get out to release you from your inner turmoil.
For me, the most common reason I would SH is because I wanted to die. No, I have never attempted suicide, that's not what I mean. I wanted to die, and so to overwhelm that dark feeling I SH. In those moments, I needed an equally-powerful one to be louder and drown it out. There were times when I wanted to go outside in the middle of winter and lay in the snow only in my nightshirt just to feel something. But I didn't have the energy to move, so things that took less effort seemed more desirable.
Over time, once I was out of my toxic marriage, had my mental health treated, and found a therapist that worked for me, the need decreased. My therapists helped me find alternatives to cutting.
A few that have actually worked have been:
- Holding ice cubes in my hands until they melted completely
- Drawing on my arms (with felt-tip markers to avoid injury)
- Tensing my muscles as tight as they could before relaxing again
- Invoking the "Dive Response" (this lowers your heart rate if you're cycling)
Thankfully, I don't think I've self harmed in a year or so. I don't remember the last time I did. Personally, since I've had my ADHD treated, it's helped regulate my emotions. I've had the ability to think longer about solutions to my problems, and have been able to choose ones that don't hurt me. Have I thought about it? Absolutely, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. It's a normal impulse for someone with emotional dysregulation, especially when I'm at my lowest of lows. You wouldn't think that something like this could give you dopamine, but it does, and that's what feeds into doing it again.
Everything I've addressed to this point has been about active self harm. Just like people can have active or passive suicidal thoughts, or be actively or passively aggressive, you can have active or passive forms of SH. Passive SH is complicated, and (as the term suggests) is much-less obvious. Things like not eating, not showering, not going outside, not going out with friends, not sleeping (actively trying to avoid it, not insomnia), skipping important appointments or meetings, and the opposite like over-eating, over-sleeping, inciting fights to damage relationships, etc. are all things that are passive SH, also referred to as self sabotage. They make your life so meaningless that it feels easier to let go.
I know there are some, maybe one of you reading this, that may think "Why don't you just not do it?" To that I say, "I wish it was that simple." When I was in that place, I felt like I needed to do something or I would go crazy. Which is where, for me, my ADHD medication has helped me through it. But when my brain chemistry is so off that I can't think clear enough to control my emotions, like when I run out of medication, I'm more at risk to do it again.
Think of it like when your foot falls asleep, and you're trying to shake it awake to bring feeling back. Except this is in your brain, so you can't physically "wake" it up to get the feeling to go away. For your foot, sure, you could wait for the feeling to come back slowly on its own. But how long is that going to take? And what are you going to do in the meantime? You can't use your foot if you can't feel it. Doing something like shaking to wake it up is going to hurt a bit, but it speeds up the process. That's how my brain feels about SH when I'm in my darkest thoughts. It makes me feel like I'm doing something.
For those who know someone struggling with it, be careful not to control their choices. It can be tempting to take away the tools someone uses to harm themself, but if you do it in secret without talking to them about it, it'll make it worse. It's like putting a Band-Aid over an infection. You may not see it for a moment, but it'll fester and grow until it's even worse than before. They'll find better hiding spots, and be less likely to open up to you about it.
Be kind, and try to understand that they think that this is the best solution for them. Listen to what they have to say, and be prepared to compromise for something that will be both helpful and doable for them. SH is a form of addiction for those who have done it for awhile, and without their coping mechanisms, the likelihood that they could mortally wound themselves may increase if it's taken away suddenly. Don't try to "fix" them, work with them to find a solution they can live with.
For those who struggle with it, I encourage you to put healthy coping mechanisms together while you're not cycling. Easier said than done, but I want you to be able to help yourself without hurting yourself. If you have a setback, take a deep breath and get a hold of your surroundings again. You are not a horrible person, no matter what the monster in your head tells you, and you can try to beat it later.
I don't know how to end this post, so here's a song from Citizen Soldier that encompasses that feeling.
"I'll be here writing on my wrists all these words that don't exist."
One for those who have or are trying to come to terms with their past habits of self harm.
"I've learned without a doubt every mark that makes you feel worthless can give you a purpose."
